She is officially capitalism's most polarising figure
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Gwyneth Paltrow, much loved and much hated. Photograph: Mario Anzuoni/Reuters
Congratulations/death to Gwyneth Paltrow, who is now officially late-stage capitalism's most polarising figure. Last week she was named the world's Most Hated Celebrity; this week she was crowned that same world's Most Beautiful Woman. Gwyneth's journey from actor to towering cultural idea is officially complete, and I hope you will join Lost in Showbiz in literally worshipping her/threatening casual violence against her in internet comments that end "HER KIDS LOOK MISERABLE JUST SAYIN".
What her dual triumph means, of course, is that Gwyneth has made it out of the little leagues. She is going all the way to state! In fact, she is going international. Thanks to a couple of cookbooks, an exercise regime and a biennial supporting role in a superhero franchise, she is now eligible to compete against other loved/loathed list champs such as Aung San Suu Kyi and Joseph Kony. Sources close to the International List Association have indicated to this column that Gwyneth will be seeded in such a tournament, though, of course, her progress will depend on which half of the draw she ends up in – it's pretty clear she would want to avoid finding herself in with Kim Jong-un or Malala Yousafzai.
Having said that, let's not talk down her chances. The key thing an increasingly list-driven culture has shown us is that celebrities perform hilariously well in these immensely pointful notional face-offs with people once perceived to have actual power.
As Lost in Showbiz rarely tires of reminding you, Britney Spears' ex-husband once beat Syrian president Bashar al-Assad in a list of the most powerful men on the planet under the age of 45. In another triumph of list-based analysis, GQ ranked David Beckham as more powerful than Rupert Murdoch. What may seem like asymmetric warfare – an unemployed backing dancer going up against a head of state with chemical weapons, or a footballer versus an international media mogul – is now a contest routinely tipped in the celebrity's favour. Any international despot-off or darling-off is Gwyneth's championship to lose.
Inevitably, then, our next question must be: how would Gwyneth perform on an even bigger stage? The answer, Lost in Showbiz reckons, is "well". Indeed, her progress could see Gwyneth making a compelling case to be Earth's pick against any benign or malign entities Up There, meaning she would go in against big hitters such as black holes or Little Baby Jesus or Megatron.
As for where Earth goes after this last week's landmark list victories for Gwyneth, our destiny is set. It is likely to be mere weeks before scientists identify the gene that determines a human being's reaction to Gwyneth Paltrow, an advance that will ultimately allow governments to sort populations into biological tribes, each of which will be put to work in a way which most efficiently benefits the state.
Those defective humanoids who find themselves simply without a strong view one way or the other on Gwyneth will become the planet's pariahs and be forced into hiding. A small enclave – probably the Faroe Islands – will become the sole territory in which it is not law to self-define as either Paltrowphilic or a Paltrowcidal maniac. The listocracy's coming, Earthlings: pick a lane.
Collected from :http://www.guardian.co.uk
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